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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Denying Reality

I was itching to blog about this the moment I saw myself in a familiar scene when I saw Confessions of a Shopaholic last week. It was when the lead actress was denying that she has a problem and answering no to all the questions the self help video threw at her. It hit me right in my face that I was in a state of self denial about the recent blows in my life. It dawned to me that all I did these past weeks was to deny reality. Well not really deny but to mask it with happy thoughts and preoccupy myself with a lot of activities away from home. Booze helped a lot, hanging around with friends, going on out of town trips, getting lost surfing the web, playing a lot of computer games, flirting (lol), etc.

B really tied the knot last March 7. And I congratulated him the day after. It was that long before it really sunk to my head that he’s already married. It was a simple civil wedding attended by just the closest relatives and friends of the bride and groom. I was invited but I decided not to go. I just promised that I will really attend his church wedding.

There was really a lot of emotion and thought running in my head just on the thought of him getting married. So I cannot afford to spoil his wedding day by coming and looking sad or worst, shed tears in front of those few people.

The other blow was really sudden and it took not only me but the whole family and clan I might say, by surprise. It was five in the morning of March 18. I just got home and directly to bed an hour before those three loud cracks disturbed the quietness of early morning. Waves of scream and cries bellowed after. My aunt woke me up and told my cousin was shot; I shrugged it off thinking I was just dreaming. But when she woke me up for the second time and heard her sobbing, I bolted up from my bed. She said that someone from the hospital texted that kuya Ruel is already gone. I couldn’t believe it at first but when I saw Tia Otie sobbing, I knew. I wanted to go to the hospital and see it for myself but I just can’t leave my aunts.

At first I helped prepare for the wake, but when I heard ate Joy wailing I couldn’t stand it because it really disheartening and it really reminds me that what’s happening is real.

No one can really explain how devastated she is. They were just married last December after almost thirteen years of being his girlfriend. They went through a lot before they finally tied the knot.

I didn’t go to the wake that night, I heard ate Joy was leaning on the coffin, weeping, waking my cousin telling him that it was time for dinner. I can’t stand it. I can’t sleep either that night even I just had barely an hour of sleep. I was afraid that time that if I sleep and wake up then everything that’s happening will be real.

What really hurts about the early demise of my cousin, he’s just 30 year old, was there were a lot of questions that needed answers. Answers up to now eluded us. Who shot him, why and what’s the motive. There was lot of speculations that aroused around. Speculations that the rumor mongers greedily proliferated and gossipers believed. Rumors and gossip that stains the integrity of my cousin.

In behalf of kuya Ruel’s family especially his bereaved wife, Ate Joy, I plead to those who know anything to step out and help us bring justice to my cousin’s unlawful death.


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